5-22-12 Yes I Have Little Voices in My Head, No I'm Not Crazy-You Are Your Best Cheerleader
It's been about a month and a half since my world shattered into pieces. I'm currently in the rebuilding process, trying to salvage anything I can. But the thought came to mind, maybe I just need to start anew. I'm still me but maybe I need to redefine who I am. I can't completely go back to the way I was, I went through too much the last couple of weeks and I've become stronger.

This whole ordeal broke me down to the lowest I've ever been and though I had the support of family and friends-which I'm very grateful for-it really took me having a talk with myself to get to a sense of stability. It didn't matter what anybody else was telling me, I kept falling into this dark place, until one day I decided I couldn't live like that anymore. I told myself "Shayla you're going to dry your tears and do something nice for yourself". I painted my nails! I never knew that something so simple could have a huge effect on my attitude. The next day while getting dressed I put makeup on. I don't usually wear makeup that much, it made me feel pretty. I smiled at myself in the mirror and told myself that "I was going to be ok, things happen for a reason, you shouldn't let the miscarriage and getting sick keep you from moving on, in time good things will come".

5-21-12-Sidetracked Because of Anger
I was preparing to type my next two blogs when I saw the news article about the parents who put their toddler in the washing machine at a laundromat. Things like this is honestly what makes me question my miscarriage. It's so hard to remind myself that it just wasn't the right time. I'm glad the child is ok. His parents need help.

What would possess a parent to do something like that. Do people not think of all the possibilities before they do something especially when it puts somebody else's life in danger. I mean come on, even if the washer didn't turn on, how about the fact that it might traumatize the child to be closed in a washer.

I pledge to never be a reckless parent. I know somethings are unavoidable and people make mistakes but given the opportunity I would never purposely put my child's life in danger.

Children are blessing and they should be treated as such.

I'm very emotionally disturbed by this.

The link to the article is below if anybody wishes to read it. Warning it's very disturbing.
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/worst-parent-week-dad-puts-toddler-washing-machine-183500809.html   

5-15-12-My Sweet Angel
My sweet angel I often think of you
I imagine you soaring effortlessly through the skies
But you always stay  in my view
With your wings around me you comfort my cries
My emotions you can break through
You bring sunshine from the sunrise
And I'm able to see a different point of view
You've been a blessing in disguise
My sweet angel I'll forever love you

5-12-12-The Day Before Mother's Day
Tomorrow, the day I've been dreading for weeks! Mother's Day! This was supposed to be a weekend of celebration and joy. A celebration of me becoming a mother in November. It is however, the 1 month mark of me beginning to miscarry.   A couple of weeks ago if you asked me how I was going to feel about tomorrow I would say I was going to just stay inside and hide a way all weekend.

But I'm not! I decided that I was going to go out and face the world. Sometimes the best thing to do is stare whatever you're going through right in the face. I may become a little sad but one thing that I've been doing to cope with my sadness is thinking of something positive, something I'm thankful for. I might not get to celebrate this Mother's Day as a mother-to-be but I have a very loving and caring mother that will be celebrating tomorrow and that make me happy.

 I found that taking it one day at a time, or to really be honest on a bad day, taking it one hour at a time and really getting down to the root of why I'm feeling an emotion helps a lot. I try to talk out my feelings or write them down. I know if I woke up in a good mood and later I'm down something had to trigger it. So I go on a search to figure out what's causing me to feel that particular way and it really allows me to clear my head and deal with the situation and bring my mood back to a peaceful state.

5-9-12-Inspiration
Never let unfortunate things defined who you are. Be defined by the way you overcome those adversities.  Stand tall knowing that even though unfortunate things happen you can learn from them and move on with life in a positive direction.

5-12-12-Communication is Key

Last Saturday I had another breakdown. I cried nonstop for almost 3 hours. I didn't realize that I had been holding so much inside even though I had written a huge rant that day. Apparently I didn't get all of my feelings out. What triggered it? The baby section at Target. That morning I woke up feeling fine. We decided to do some errands and were looking for a roll away cabinet or desk for our new portable dishwasher. While making our way to the Home Organizing section in Target the Baby section seemed to just pop up. I was like a deer caught in headlights. I wanted to turn away but I couldn't. I was overcome with sorrow but didn't say anything and kept walking. I tried not to think about all the car seats, strollers and baby carriers I saw. All the cute pictures of babies on the products. The hand full of parents with their babies pursuing the aisles. I tried really hard not to think about these things but I did. It began to eat away at my content mood. It began to envelop me in sorrow, a sorrow that I couldn't control.

As I tried to go on with my day, I realized that I was becoming very short tempered and snippy with Allen. This  in turn caused him to be mad with me for the remainder of the day. Not liking how the day had turned out around 6 p.m. I retreated to the bedroom. I guess in my anger I fell asleep but when I awoke I was more angry than before I feel asleep. After a while Allen came in to go to sleep. He said goodnight but I could help feel that he was still mad at me. I knew I was wrong for snapping at him but at that point emotional my pride and anger got the best of me. That's when the 3 hours of crying began.

Allen couldn't understand why I was crying. That night I realized how key communication in relationships are. I began to tell him that I knew I was wrong for yelling at him and I wanted to make it better by trying to give him a hug but got mad again when he acted so coldly towards me. He felt like I just dismissed my attitude towards him and was acting like nothing ever happened. I told him what triggered my bad mood. That every time I pass a pregnant woman, or a baby section how it makes me sad. That it seems like there are so many more pregnant women than before. How some days it just hurts so bad. How even though I know this wasn't my fault, I feel responsible. How I didn't expect him to understand because this was something that happened in my body.

A couple of weeks prior when we were told the baby wasn't growing we had a discussion about the miscarriage. I told him I was going to be ok. He took my word for it. He told me that he felt that we had moved on since I said I was fine. I told him that I didn't expect for the miscarriage to hurt that much emotional. The fact that I also became very sick with a viral infection didn't help me either. I told him that I didn't have time to finish mourning because I knew I had to be strong for my body in order for me to become healthy again. I think he felt that since I said I was fine he could began his healing process and that's what he did, he thought we were on the same page.

He began to tell me how exhausted he was from seeing me sad and sick. He was exhausted from all the doctor visits, there were many, even and overnight stay. He told me he was just ready to move on. This was the first time we had really talked about the miscarriage since we got the news. I realized that I would talk about it and he would listen but wasn't really adding how he felt. At that moment I felt like I could truly began to move on because we were finally on the same page. I knew how he felt and he knew how I felt.

As I think about it today I was holding resentment for Allen not sharing his feelings. I felt that he had just shut down, left me to grieve on my own. It wasn't until that night that he told me he liked to cope by himself. To sit alone and let his thoughts go. At first I was mad I wanted us to go through this together. I didn't realized until he told me that we were going through this together. He asked had he ever left my side through this whole thing. The answer was no. I began to understand what he meant by he liked to cope by himself. I write to release my stress, frustration and anger. He sits thinks about it and then lets it go.

That night made me realize two things. One, communication is very important in a relationship it gets rid of any misconceptions or assumptions you have.  Two, space is good sometimes. You have to realize that people process things differently and having alone time to reflect on their thoughts might be the best thing for them. When they're ready they'll share their feelings with you.

5-9-12-Peace 

I can finally see the light

It shines so bright

I never thought this day would come

In the abyss of mayhem and madness I triumph

Unfortunate things happen in life

But it's all about how you overcome that strife 

I decided to stand tall and fight back

I could not just let myself be attacked

I've become stronger from this

I've finally found my soul's bliss

Understand that things can't keep you down for long

In the midst of everything stay strong

5-4-12-Breakthrough

Writing today meant for next week.

A month ago today we said goodbye

Tears of heartache made me cry

There's so many things that I wanted to say

Now I sit stuck in sorrow and dismay 

I told you I loved you from the moment I knew

And in my heart that will forever and always remain true

I never thought it would end like this

Before I was able to give you your first kiss

I was anxious to see the things you would do 

Now I'll never know, never have a clue

I wasn't prepared for the sadness this brings

But I'm comforted in knowing you gained your angel wings

4-28-12 A long rant

Some days are more manageable, others are not. Today would be one of those days, that are hard to manage. Numbers for some reason mean a lot to me. I plan ahead keeping dates and times in mind. This is one time I wish I hadn't. Tomorrow would have marked my 2nd trimester. 13 weeks of being pregnant. I was looking forward to this day because I knew I would be close to feeling the baby move. Right now I only feel empty inside. I try to be happy, I try to be strong but some days it just hurts too bad.

It doesn't help that I got sick either. Being stuck in the house with very little human contact makes me really feel alone. I'm tired of taking pills around the clock. I'm tired of miscarrying it's almost been two weeks. Can a person really bleed that much! I keep having these nightmares where I feel like I'm just running around and will never stop. I keep having these visions of having a baby. I really feel like I won't totally be at peace until I hold my next baby(when ever that might be) in my arms, until I hear he or she cry for the first time, until I know he or she is healthy. Then I'll be fine.

On the flip side I can only imagine the nervous wreck I'll be for 40 weeks with my next pregnancy. I know I'm supposed to trust in God. That He makes everything ok but I'm having a hard time doing so. I'm trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel but right now I only see darkness.....

I took some time away from writing, about an hour. In that time I read some bible verses. Laid in bed and cried, too another antibiotic pill. Downloaded Corrine Bailey Rae "The Sea". Music always seems to help me the one song I wanted to hear was "I'd Do it all Again" because I would do this all again but I just hope it would turn out differently next time. I know a broken heart takes a while to mend but I wish I had some super glue or a glue gun or something to mend it quicker.

I really miss the old me, I'm afraid that I may never get back to the old me. But maybe it wasn't meant for me to go back to the old me. Maybe this will make me stronger, maybe this will make me more aware of who I am: mind, body & soul.

I understand that at some point we have to change, change and adapt to what's around us. Somethings that I'm used to but I never had to do it with this much hurt, with this much pain.

I feel like I've only talked about myself, like I'm only going through this by myself but I'm not the only one that's going through this. I know Allen is in just as much pain I'm in but for me I think it feels different because this was something that was growing inside of me. Something I felt very responsible for. I know it was not my fault that the baby didn't form but I can't help but feel let down from my body. How could it betray me, so much, how could it still trick itself into making me feel I was pregnant when I had lost the baby weeks ago.

I do however believe that I could not have gotten through this virus without losing the baby which at 10-11 weeks would have been so much more painful. Knowing the baby never grew a heartbeat, kind of comforts me because I know it didn't feel any pain. I also know that I gained an angel, the baby went to heaven with no sin. I know it's in he or she full form, that when I hopefully make it to heaven. I'll be reunited with him or her.

I know that this baby, this angel, will watch over it's little brothers and or sisters when they get here. I do believe my next pregnancy will go well. I think that I had to go through this to be a stronger person, a stronger wife, a stronger mother-when the time comes.

I feel at peace as the sun shines in the window. I feel God's love shinning upon me. Thank you God for all those blessings seen and unseen, understood or not!

4-18-12 Inspiration
When you have a foundation that's built on God, love and great family and friends, even if everything around you is blown away you'll be able to rebuild and stand again. Currently in the process of rebuilding but so thankful and blessed for my foundation!

4-13-12-Grief
I can't escape this pain
It all seems surreal
I'm feeling a lot of blame
That I know I should not feel
If I could just turn back the clock
But maybe that would not change a thing
I'm trying to be as strong as a rock
But I feel as limp as a string

4/12/12-Shock

My emotions are so high and all I want to do is fly away from me, look over myself, examine my body

It’s hard to let go of something you’ll never know

The pain is swelling inside, but me, myself and I won’t let out a cry

I feel so trapped in this emotional web. I wish all these thoughts and feeling would get out of my head.

As I write tonight I’m praying my dreams will take flight into a world away from here, a dream world free of fear. 

Words I Never Got To Say(My journey of healing from a miscarriage)

I’ve decided to share my story, even though it’s very personal, because quite frankly it’s calling me to do so. It’s telling me that it’s going to help somebody that’s going through this or something similar. In the next couple of blogs that I post it will document my journey and healing process through dealing with the pain and grief of a miscarriage.   

On March 6th of this year I found out I was pregnant with my first child. Allen and I were very excited and looking forward to November when the baby was due. Our excitement quickly turned to worry at our 8 week appointment on April 2nd. The doctor did an ultrasound and didn’t see anything. She said that I was probably just a little further behind in my weeks and to go have my hormone levels check. I got my hormone levels checked and went to radiology to have another ultrasound with a better machine. While playing the waiting game with all the test and ultrasound results Allen and I stayed optimistic about the whole situation. 

On April 12th our optimism turned to sorrow. It was determined that the baby stopped growing at 5 1/2 weeks. I began to miscarry 2 days later. On the 12th we happened to go to an art supply store and while looking around trying to take my mind off  of what I had just been told. I found myself in the aisle with journals. I discovered when I was a teenager that writing was my way of releasing all of my anger, stress, hurt and just plain negativity. I had really stopped writing in the past 8 or so years because I’ve been in a really good place. But standing in that aisle, staring at this one particular journal I knew what it was calling me to do.

I found that some of my entries are poems, some are rants and others came out to be inspirational quotes. I decided to title them Words I Never Got To Say(My journey of healing from a miscarriage). The title came to me while writing one poem about things that I would never get to say and do with the baby. For some reason that poem was a defining point in my healing process. It was the turning point where I felt like I was truly going to be ok from this and be able to move on knowing that I have another angel watching over me. Just like any wound  you receive whether it’s physically there or not it takes time to heal. In time it will fade but you’ll never forget what happened but you do move on.  

I present to you Words I Never Got To Say(My journey of healing from a miscarriage).

My Day Will Come!