5-12-12-Communication is Key

Last Saturday I had another breakdown. I cried nonstop for almost 3 hours. I didn't realize that I had been holding so much inside even though I had written a huge rant that day. Apparently I didn't get all of my feelings out. What triggered it? The baby section at Target. That morning I woke up feeling fine. We decided to do some errands and were looking for a roll away cabinet or desk for our new portable dishwasher. While making our way to the Home Organizing section in Target the Baby section seemed to just pop up. I was like a deer caught in headlights. I wanted to turn away but I couldn't. I was overcome with sorrow but didn't say anything and kept walking. I tried not to think about all the car seats, strollers and baby carriers I saw. All the cute pictures of babies on the products. The hand full of parents with their babies pursuing the aisles. I tried really hard not to think about these things but I did. It began to eat away at my content mood. It began to envelop me in sorrow, a sorrow that I couldn't control.

As I tried to go on with my day, I realized that I was becoming very short tempered and snippy with Allen. This  in turn caused him to be mad with me for the remainder of the day. Not liking how the day had turned out around 6 p.m. I retreated to the bedroom. I guess in my anger I fell asleep but when I awoke I was more angry than before I feel asleep. After a while Allen came in to go to sleep. He said goodnight but I could help feel that he was still mad at me. I knew I was wrong for snapping at him but at that point emotional my pride and anger got the best of me. That's when the 3 hours of crying began.

Allen couldn't understand why I was crying. That night I realized how key communication in relationships are. I began to tell him that I knew I was wrong for yelling at him and I wanted to make it better by trying to give him a hug but got mad again when he acted so coldly towards me. He felt like I just dismissed my attitude towards him and was acting like nothing ever happened. I told him what triggered my bad mood. That every time I pass a pregnant woman, or a baby section how it makes me sad. That it seems like there are so many more pregnant women than before. How some days it just hurts so bad. How even though I know this wasn't my fault, I feel responsible. How I didn't expect him to understand because this was something that happened in my body.

A couple of weeks prior when we were told the baby wasn't growing we had a discussion about the miscarriage. I told him I was going to be ok. He took my word for it. He told me that he felt that we had moved on since I said I was fine. I told him that I didn't expect for the miscarriage to hurt that much emotional. The fact that I also became very sick with a viral infection didn't help me either. I told him that I didn't have time to finish mourning because I knew I had to be strong for my body in order for me to become healthy again. I think he felt that since I said I was fine he could began his healing process and that's what he did, he thought we were on the same page.

He began to tell me how exhausted he was from seeing me sad and sick. He was exhausted from all the doctor visits, there were many, even and overnight stay. He told me he was just ready to move on. This was the first time we had really talked about the miscarriage since we got the news. I realized that I would talk about it and he would listen but wasn't really adding how he felt. At that moment I felt like I could truly began to move on because we were finally on the same page. I knew how he felt and he knew how I felt.

As I think about it today I was holding resentment for Allen not sharing his feelings. I felt that he had just shut down, left me to grieve on my own. It wasn't until that night that he told me he liked to cope by himself. To sit alone and let his thoughts go. At first I was mad I wanted us to go through this together. I didn't realized until he told me that we were going through this together. He asked had he ever left my side through this whole thing. The answer was no. I began to understand what he meant by he liked to cope by himself. I write to release my stress, frustration and anger. He sits thinks about it and then lets it go.

That night made me realize two things. One, communication is very important in a relationship it gets rid of any misconceptions or assumptions you have.  Two, space is good sometimes. You have to realize that people process things differently and having alone time to reflect on their thoughts might be the best thing for them. When they're ready they'll share their feelings with you.